Thursday, 9:27 pm.
I stare at the red writing on our whiteboard.
My throat is tight, my eyes wet.
He says: “It’s not that big a deal.”, and I hear: “You’re too much and your idea is stupid.”
I feel insulted and pick a fight.
Evening ruined.
For all the years of my adolescence and first years of adulthood I mistook difference in expression for disrespect.
Took disagreement to my ideas as personal attacks.
Generally, I took every criticism personal and felt like I had to defend myself.
Like…the moment someone said anything that didn‘t show deep appreciation for my outstanding wisdom and intelligence.
If ego was a game I won.
But it kept me so small.
Growing out of that was one of the most liberating feeling ever, because I grew from always being the victim — which influenced my mood negatively A LOT, because I thought everyone hated me — to taking responsibility for myself.
With that my mood and my life improved drastically, because I stopped taking things personally.
I realized that criticism is an opportunity to grow.
Because without it, I can’t get better.
I understood that most people who criticize you, especially if they don’t really know you or just know a part of you, express their own inner life, thoughts and opinions, when they let you know how they feel about something.
And what someone else thinks…doesn’t have to shake you.
It can be a mirror.
When someone criticizes you, the best thing you can do is to check if they’re right.
Because if they are…you got a free evaluation on what you can work on.
That’s valuable af.
Yes, sometimes it’s said in a way we don’t like.
That’s another story.
But a hurtful tone sometimes doesn’t make what’s said less correct.
And real growth means to be able to read between the lines, take value from what was said, even if you don’t like how it was said, and not being thrown off by someone else’s choice on how they use their voice.
That way you will never stop growing.
That’s battling your nafs and winning.
That‘s how warriors do it.
Now I am at a point where I (most times) even enjoy (constructive) criticism and I’m grateful for people telling me their honest opinion.
But that was a really really long way.
Especially in relationships this victim mindset was a problem.
And even though I had already worked my way out of being a victim all day everyday, there was still some of it left when I met my husband.
The problem was:
I wasn’t able to differentiate between someone simply not agreeing with something I said and them rejecting my whole person.
I thought one equals the other.
Which is ridiculous looking at it now.
It’s a problem I see a lot in relationships; this misunderstanding and difference in thinking is normal.
Allah created us different from each other.
He wrote variety into us on purpose.
But this difference is design — not defect.
Statistics show to us that men and women are in fact different (these are trends, not absolutes (of course)).
It took around 8 years of intense work for me to finally make peace with that.
Here is the trap that kept catching me:
Projection: The assumption that his inner world is congruent to mine, so I “already know” what he feels — and don’t give space or understanding for difference.
Expectation inflation: I raise the bar in my head and then punish him for not participating in an olympic sport I just made up and he never signed up for.
That’s how resentment grew: in the gap between the script in my mind and what is real.
The relief: healthy communication and seeing things as they are instead of what our scared brain is telling us it is.
Our Prophet ﷺ gave us a picture that I think about often:
“Treat women well. For a woman was created from a rib and the most curved part is the top. If you try to straighten it, you will break it. But if you leave it, it will remain bent. So treat women well.”
This hadith is about the difference between men and women in design & function.
A rib protects the heart.
Shields the lungs.
Does it’s job BEST, when it stays exactly as it is.
This teaches us the foundational knowledge of emotional intelligence, especially when we take a closer look to what it really means with all it’s layers.
And even though it’s talking to men about women, reading it as a woman invites me to become my husbands peace more than ever before and it reminds me again, every time I read it.
Us women can — and should— learn from it too.
Because it’s not only men who try to straighten women.
I’ve tried to “curve” my husband into my way often.
And it created 1001 problems.
Many of our fights started when I expressed myself the way I needed in that moment and assumed he would not only translate automatically, but also react the way I considered best in my head.
And if that expectation wasn’t met, I felt rejected.
A meaning was interpreted that was (usually) not in favor of him.
I built up resentment and didn’t hesitate to express my frustration — which left him in position to defend himself against something he didn’t even see coming.
That’s what happened Thursday 9:27 pm.
He said something else than I wanted to hear.
I then heard something he neither said nor meant.
We faught after I felt insulted and reacted sharply; he then felt attacked and treated unfairly.
(I work on becoming such a G in communication that I can express my thoughts in the way my husband thinks, so he immediately understands me — but until now I still fail more than I succeed (and that’s okay too because I’m human.)) ← this is how my thought directing works btw.
What brought change in our marriage (and in my emotional wellbeing as a product) was living after these two principles:
Always assume the best.
Rather ask one time too many than one time too little.
Here’s how that can look:
Let’s get practical
Name it, don’t narrate it.
Looks like: “I feel dismissed.” Not: “You don’t care.”
Pause.
Take a deep breath.
Leave the room for a second.
Remind yourself to not burst out and say something you might regret.
Not everything has to be continued immediately. Take time to respond instead of reacting.
Get out of your head, into your voice.
Instead of silently accusing “You always disrespect me!” — ask: “What did you mean by that?”
Instead of assuming “He thinks I’m dumb.” — say: “Sometimes I feel like you don’t take my ideas seriously.”
Tell your needs.
Looks like: “I need to know you listened. Please say “I hear you” before moving on to your point.”
Cool the heat.
Make du’ā first, edits second.
Offload heat and hurt feelings to Allah before unloading on each other.
If a situation turns into a big conflict, take a step back to deal with your feelings alone until you calmed down.
With these exercises we went from 9:27 pm fights to candle light dinners & spring rolls.
The Prophet ﷺ also told us, that real strength is controlling your anger.
Hurt and anger are very close to each other and for you to control anger, you need to deal with hurt in a healthy way.
The goal is what I described above:
To catch yourself IN the situation BEFORE reacting (or not even feeling triggered in the first place but baby steps), and regulating your emotions in a way, that helps you navigate the conversation de-escalative.
Responding instead of reacting.
Thats what I teach you in my mentorship for which you can apply here.
With practice, instant redirection and regulation becomes second nature.
With practice, Thursday 9:27 pm won’t happen so quickly anymore.
And with practice, your relationships will bloom like a garden after the rain.
Just like every other skill, emotional regulation and healthy communication can be taught, learned and lived.
I still feel the pull to curve my husband, to make him do, say and feel what I want him to.
But now, I catch the thought, take the breath, choose to give our relationship space.
(At least like…90% of the time, I do my best, really.)
When you shift your perspective and see that every potential conflict is an opportunity to grow — your character, your communication, your love in action — resentment disappears and the relationship gets stronger.
Good news is: you don’t have to get married first before starting to develop these skills.
So if you want to start growing today and get the help I didn’t have: secure your spot!
Thank you for being here. ❤
Until next time, السلام عليكم
Sara